Guilty as charge

Adam and Eve felt it after they had eaten the forbidden fruit
Cain felt it after he killed Abel
David felt it after he committed adultery with Bethsheba
Judas felt it after he betrayed Jesus
Joseph brothers felt it after they sold him of as a slave
Saul felt it after he tried to kill David
Solomon felt it after he married unbelievers
Peter felt it after he betrayed Jesus 3 times
Moses felt it after he lose his patients with the Israelites
I felt it when I purposedly being stubborn decide to pursue something without consulting God

Feeling of embarassment, feeling like there is no turning back. Feeling like wanting to bury ourselves and hibernate for the rest of our remaining years left on earth.
We all feel the bruden of guilt after we have done something wrong. As child when have done wrong I could never bluff my way out. My face would go red and I would stammer.


The feeling that we are cut of from God. The feeling that even the death on the cross cannot redeem us from this wrong that we have committed.

And sometimes this feeling cause us to stray further. To look for some other solution like self help books, shopping and spending compulsively, hanging out with the wrong crowd, sleeping tablets, psychotherapy.

The Bible seems dry, too theorethical, unpractical and not culturally adaptable to the situation in which we are in.

Praying seems like something that we are no worthy of doing because of guilt and talking to God is like a one sided conversation in which we give up after 30 seconds

The feeling so bad that it feels like life perhaps is not worth living anymore

They say that when you hit rock bottom you have no where to go but up. In reality sometimes there is no bottom. You just fall down and down and it's like a never ending hell.

If you don't realize it soon enough the deeper you will be in this pit. Until one day even when you wake up and realize you have made a mistake it is too late and you are stuck and still falling in this pit forever with no one being able to hear your cry for help or to even save you.

I tried pushing the limit to see how much deeper I can fall into this pit. I wanted to go up but I was not yet ready. I wanted my own way and hence dug my own grave.

6 foot under and at the verge of burying myself, my friends did hear my call for help. I talked to them , cried to them, complained to them, listen to them (not so much of listening though)

I am feeling quite fine now but ocassionally have some break down. I think of talking to God sometime and do talk to him but only for a few seconds and my mind drifts of.

One day I hope that I can look back and not have this feeling anymore. For the moment amnesia seem to elude me and a couple of hours of sleep.

One day I will be healed.

In Psalms 40 which is my favourite Psalms right now, it states how the Lord treats those who are disobedient and have repented and it is consoling to know that our God is one who gives second chances.

When I make a mistake I always like to start from a clean slate. I don't like going back to the old product and try to correct it. Less troublesome or so I thought.

But when I make a mitake, I am not the corrector, but God is and he does not try with another human being and forget about me. He still wants to work with me the dirty slate